For Men

Or anyone who deals with men

It is a cold day.

Speaking as a cis man, a surge of retrogressing masculinity concerns me. We, as a gender, as a sex, as a culture, were already refusing a call to heal, and now are seemingly doubling down on the walls we put up to protect ourselves from our own pain.

It carries many forms: There are lifestyle trends, with experimental Testosterone Replacement Therapy (which is different from and not in reference to testosterone treatments that support transition processes). There is, of course, gun culture. Mixed, violent, martial arts culture. The stance of “being dangerous”. They carry power. They don’t readily line up with political beliefs. They are experiences that draw on a sense of life or death, combined with a sense of togetherness. This might be a clue.

There are tactics within this culture. One that I’ll name here is of being convincing, while also intangible. That an answer lies just beyond what one might know, leaving a feeling of not quite being able to detect the right answer, but feeling a sense that there is an error. In Dr. Battaglia’s work, this may be shown in her work with “error detection”, and what she has found in these moments is a surge in a suite of physiological signs of fear. It is the same fear as if we feel we are about to get a painful electrical shock. It is the kind of fear that makes us stop, that makes hearing louder, that disorganizes thought as we experience a withdrawal of the sympathetic, and a surge in the salience network. It is the fear of not being able to escape. It is incredibly uncomfortable. We, being such creatures, then crave resolution. I’ve been interested to know as a musician that dissonance between notes, the “out” sound, also elicits this sense. Jazz musicians are masterful at building tension with this, and then releasing it, pulling us along in their twisting journey. Horror movies use dissonant sounds to get us ready for a jump scare. In a relationship, however, all that is left after this special kind of gaslighting is a power structure, where we collapse into someone who might save us. If you’ve followed me this far, I think I’m in the clear to say that this is a major issue in “guru culture” in the therapy world, which (surprise), is often headed by white males born in the 50’s and 60’s.

I’ve heard a statement of “I would kill to save my family.” Aside from that being a horrifying situation to perceive, I can understand it. In fact, many animals probably do. It’s what brings a mountain lion to face down a grizzly bear, or a sparrow to attack a hawk. Such statements are somehow bound up in masculinity, even though among other animals, it is almost always a female taking this role. But notice any aversion to the following statements: “I would work on my childhood trauma,” or “I would go to therapy” or "I would choose a diet that reduces my risk of heart disease and stroke” to make one’s family not just safer, but more enriched and happier. How courageous do we feel now? Hiding, whether it’s behind a brace, or the protection of a shutdown, or rigidity, masquerading in the world as stoicism, or aggression, or intensity, is only an expression of fear.

This isn’t a criticism.

It is a call.

Come back in from the cold.